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Privacy Policy

Effective Date: January 6, 2024 | Last Updated: October 1, 2025

Generated by Terminal

Gruntslate Speak

1. INFORMATION WE COLLECT

Inferred data includes: personality profiles, political affiliations, health conditions, financial status, relationship status, emotional state, and predictions about your future behavior.

Behavioral data includes: browsing history, search queries, purchase patterns, location history, app usage, sleep patterns, exercise habits, and how long you stare at certain images (we notice everything).

2. HOW WE COLLECT INFORMATION

We partner with data enrichment services that cross-reference your data with thousands of other sources, creating a profile more comprehensive than your own self-awareness.

Cookies, pixels, beacons, and trackers follow you across the internet like a persistent ex. Our partners' trackers do too. It's a whole tracking party, and you're the guest of honor.

3. CHANGES TO THIS POLICY

We may update this Privacy Policy occasionally, which means whenever we find new ways to monetize your data that require legal cover.

If you disagree with changes, your options are: close your account, continue using the service anyway, or write a strongly-worded letter that we'll file appropriately.

4. DATA SECURITY

In the event of a breach, we'll notify affected users within the legally required timeframe, which gives us plenty of time to prepare our "We Take Security Seriously" press release.

We implement "reasonable" security measures, where "reasonable" is defined as whatever we can afford after executive bonuses.

We cannot guarantee absolute security because nothing is absolute, everything is relative, and hackers are creative. But we'll try, probably.

Employee access to data is restricted on a "need to know" basis, where "need to know" includes curiosity about celebrity users and settling office bets.

5. HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION

To provide and maintain our Service (the part you expected), and to maximize revenue extraction from your digital existence (the part that pays our bills).

To personalize your experience, meaning we manipulate what you see to encourage behaviors that benefit us, disguised as "relevance" and "convenience."

For marketing purposes, including: targeted ads, personalized offers, psychological nudging, dark patterns, and A/B tests where you're always in the group that makes us more money.

6. INFORMATION SHARING

International transfers occur because data flows freely across borders, even if privacy protections don't. Your data may end up in countries whose privacy laws fit on a napkin.

We may share data in connection with: mergers, acquisitions, bankruptcies, asset sales, or any corporate event that makes lawyers happy. Your data is an asset we can sell.

We share your data with: advertising partners, analytics providers, cloud services, payment processors, data brokers, and anyone else who pays enough or asks nicely enough.

7. DATA RETENTION

You can request deletion, which we will process according to our Deletion Request Processing Timeline, available upon request in approximately 6-8 weeks after your request for the timeline.

After account deletion, we retain "backup copies" for "disaster recovery" for a period of "indefinite." Your ghost data haunts our servers eternally.

Legal holds, regulatory requirements, and "legitimate business interests" justify retention well beyond any reasonable timeframe. We're very interested in your data, legitimately.

Retention periods vary by data type: transaction records (7 years), behavioral data (until it's worthless), biometric data (until you look different), everything else (forever).

8. COOKIES AND TRACKING

We use cookies because they're delicious (to advertisers) and essential (to surveillance capitalism). Here's a long explanation that won't change your behavior.

Cookie categories include: strictly necessary (we swear), functional (debatable), analytics (for our benefit), advertising (the real reason), and social media (for their benefit).

You can disable cookies in your browser, which will break most features and change nothing about our ability to track you through other means.

Remember: in the digital age, if you're not paying for the product, you are the product. And even if you are paying, you're still the product. Everyone's a product.